Progress.

I started a new job yesterday.

I move into my new apartment on November 16th.

I don't know how this is all going to work out, but I can't just sit and hope for things to change. I have to make the change, and if I fall flat on my face so be it. I will never know what may be, if I never try.

This is the first time in my entire life - I mean, my complete, entire life, from the time I was born - that I have ever made decisions on my own.

I was only 20 when I started dating the man who would become my husband. Before that, I relied on my parents to help me make decisions - where should I work? Where should I live? What should I drive?

Once N and I got together, he made all the decisions for me - this is where we will live, this is what we will drive, here is how we will spend our money. I never had a say in anything and for a long time that didn't bother me.

So this is the very first time that I have ever made a decision on my own. I decided that I wanted to move on. I decided where I would work, without asking anyone's opinion. I decided where I would live, without relying on anyone else's judgement. I am collecting the items I need for my apartment on my own, without asking anyone else what they think of them.

It makes me sad that I waited until I was just a few months shy of thirty to start being a woman. But on the other hand, it makes me happy that I finally did what I had to do.

One can only sit and stagnate for just so long before one starts to self destruct. For me, it started a couple years ago. I have been sitting, stagnating, knowing a move had to be made but knowing how or what, for at least three years. Possibly longer, maybe not as long, but that's how I remember it.

I am learning to choose my destiny instead of letting it happen. But it's hard, because all the years of pain I've endured have contributed to an extremely degraded self esteem.

I'm not a victim; I'm a survivor.

This is what I keep telling myself. A person can be a victim and just sit and wallow in the fact that they were mistreated or hurt, or they can rise above it and use what they've learned to create a better life for themselves.

Everyone has been a victim at some point in their lives - maybe they were bullied, or mistreated by a parent or co-worker. And I think we all know people who define themselves by what has happened to them.

That's not going to be me. I am not what I've been through. I am not my experiences. My experiences have shaped me, but they do not define me.

I need to do a lot of soul searching now. I need to figure out who I am, apart from what has happened.

I am reading a book called Goddess Initiation. This book has a year's worth of in depth lessons for becoming the person you are destined to be. I am only just starting month one, and already am learning so much. I am so glad I stumbled on this book in a used book pile.

I am going to make it. I am going to be okay. I just need to stay focused on the goal and make it happen. No more standing by and letting life happen - from today on I am MAKING life happen.